Peculiarly familiar

Now I’m at a foreign land, thousands of kilometers from home.

Strangely, most of the time I feel like it’s just the same.

I sit alone at a table to work…

I go to work alone…

I go grocery shopping alone..

I dine out alone…

I spend my leisure time all alone on bed watching Netflix etc, alone

I go back and forth grasp my phones, to check social media or to see if a ‘miracle’ happens

I cry to sleep alone

nothing has changed.

so it really doesn’t feel different

it all feels so familiar

2023: New Chapter (but, only repeating the same old story?)

First entry of 2023.

I should’ve been writing my PhD plan right now, but I chose to distract myself.

Now I’m living a new chapter in my life.

Sometimes I still couldn’t fathom why I ended up here, taking a PhD, in a foreign country.

Why did I say yes?

Why did I have to be greedy?

Why couldn’t I just feel content with a “normal” path?

And now I’m paying the consequences.

Still being alone, feeling lonely, helpless, worthless almost every single time.

I just wanna quit.

I want to stop.

But I’m not brave enough.

I have EVERYTHING to lose.

I don’t have any safety net.

I want to stop.

I want to quit.

I pray for a partner.

But I guess I’m destined just to be alone along the way.

Right now, 2 years ago, 7 years ago, 10 years ago, 16 years ago…

I went through it all just feeling lonely, all alone by myself.

“What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done?”

“Asking for help”