One miracle night and finally I could accept the answer from The God.

It was September 3rd.

It took me 5 years to understand and accept the answer.

Lesson learned, thank you.


For every those random messages you sent me, I do pray to God to give me extra strength.

Strength to not fall for you.


Same old story

Hi again!

The last entry was on June 2018.

A lot of things has happened and passed by.

And here I am, all by myself, at car repair shop. My car alarm just decided to give in. So, naturally, didn’t know whom I could rely on, I decided to handle it on my own.

Same old story, huh?

I hope it’s not a way Universe tell me, “be tough, you’ll be on the whole ride all by yourself”


“What if one of them was the one who I missed out?”

Last night was the reunion of old friends.

Some stories I had with some of them.

Not one, not two, but three of them.

Was not it real funny, to see them sitting side by side.

They all are married, and have child of their own, and looked happy with their own life.

And I looked at myself, on my imaginary mirror, asking myself, “what if one of them was the one who I missed out?”.

And that was when I know I’m f*cked up.


Doa yang spesifik ya, Tha!

“Ya Allah, kangen di-PDKT-in”

Kalo doa, makanya yang spesifik, ada sih yang PDKT, flattering anyhow, but it comes from someone who has all the contraindications in the first place.

Bisa apa gue, cuma senyum-senyum miris, sambil membatin, “kok gini amat yak hidup”



Starting yesterday, I’m finally taking a big leap of decision.

I’m starting to take anti depressant.

I think it might help.

I need a help.

And all I have is myself.

After all, I’m a physician.

So, yeah.


Makasih ya, dok!

I thank you, because you remind me how it feels to be treated differently, in a good way..to be treated nicely and in flattering way. Maybe it’s just a small gesture, maybe it’s me who are delusional, but anyhow, it makes me smile. And in this depressing times, a smile is like a drop of water in a dessert.

Now I know for sure that I need to fall in love again, I need to feel loved again. I don’t think I could survive any longer in this marathon with by myself only.

I need someone who bothers asking me, “how was your day today?”

I need someone who bothers worrying about me, asking me, “Are you okay?”

I need someone who doesn’t mind to listen to my blabbering about my day.

It’s exhausting to run alone.

It’s exhausting to be always look just fine, pretending tough like a rock.